1. We learn at a pretty young age that certain things don’t mix. Oil and water for example. No matter how hard you shake that bottle or play with that glass, they just won’t mix. Our parents and teachers would explain it to us: “Nothing’s wrong with that sweetie, it’s just how it supposed to be”.  Something just doesn’t mix; this is how nature intended. But most of us don’t quit. We keep on trying. We keep on telling ourselves: “Maybe this time it will work” but knowing for certainty it won’t. Because laws of nature can’t be broken no matter how much you want it to.

    The day I came out to myself as gay, I experienced two polar emotions. The first was liberation. At last I can tell myself that I am gay. At last I can start embracing myself for who I am instead of forcing myself to have feelings for the other sex. But the second was dread. I was worried about coming out to other people. How would my friends think of me? How would relatives? More importantly how would my parents take this news? I am their only son. Being an Asian American who is raised to believe the importance of having a family I can only imagine disappointment and heartbreak. They still don’t know.

    But it wasn’t people that I dread most. It was my Catholic identity. The Church that I believe in, whose teachings I must obey. The very Church that teaches homosexuality is a disorder, and homosexual lifestyle is a mortal sin, sin grave enough to send a person straight to hell. If I want to be a good Catholic it is mandatory that I remain celibate for the rest of my life. Only then can I experience true liberty from God.

    How often I would kneel at the local church, praying to God, hoping that He can take the gay away. If not, maybe grant me strength to stay celibate, to carry my homosexuality like a cross. I pray, and pray, one weekend to the next.

    God never answered.

    For past year I fall in and out of the faith. I still try, from time to time, to reconcile being Catholic and being gay. Lord knows how hard I try.

    But like water and oil, maybe some things just aren’t meant to mix, no matter how much you want it to.

     
  2. Evening rain in our back yard

     
  3. (Source: mundacormeum)

     
  4. Dali Catholic Church is a powerful reminder of how catholic our Catholic faith is

     
  5.  
  6. I believed in Santa as a child. No surprise there right? Most of us believed in him at one point in our lives. My mom first introduced me to him. “Write to Santa”, she said, “be a good boy, he’ll bring you anything you wish for.” Every year I wrote to Santa, and every year I got what I asked for: robots, games, a cactus (long story). My parents went so far that they even wrote reply letters (in Vietnamese), and if there were typos, it’s  because Santa is an American so grammatical mistakes are expected. I kept believing in him, til one day it just sudden dawned on me how incredible is the claim, and how improbable. I stopped believing in him entirely.

      My education system is going in the wrong direction entirely and yet I’m still unwittingly grasping on it for life’s sake. I am still putting my faith in Santa. Perhaps because education is for me, like Santa, a refuge from the gloom reality, and gives me the hope that all men can succeed that boy from the Bronx can be as successful as the child of the Google executive, or a girl from an alcoholic family can be as great as the Madonna’s daughter

    Please don’t get me wrong here, I still believesin the dream…

    …but not the system. It is politics. Politicians uses it to hammer one another just as they would with the war in Iraq or healthcare. Students are expected to compete. China, Finland, Japan. We are expected to rise above every other countries. We’re expected to sacrifice our innate abilities, our creativity, our potentials for math and science. Because somewhere in China, a kid is forced to do the same, so they can continue to beat the Americans. We are expected to take irrelevant tests. Put into classes we have no interest for.

    Another simulacrum among the many simulacra that walks down the hall each day, unrecognizable

    … And, toward our graduation, putting on the cap and gown, smiling, crying with friends, we’ll go off to college in hope of landing a job somewhere, just to get stuck in another corner in another office with another boring summer spent doing tax returns. 

     

  7.  
  8. "Philosophers don’t give you answers. They just hand you the flash light to look for it.

     

  9. read

    Nothing’s better than to abandon yourself,

    and stacks of cds, flat screen tv, 

    shiny black laptop, colorful ipod.

     To fly from distractions, noises,

    and people’s stares.

    Their demands, complains,

    whiny-ass faces.

     Just to sit down in quietude,

    thumping pages through pages,

    of a good old book, and live vicariously,

    as different people. 

     

  10. the-masked-writer asked: Hi! Thank you for the follow, how are you? :)

    great, how are you?